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Researcher proves that the Earth really is flat... sort of

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Internet sensation Drake Anthony, better known as Styropyro, has done the impossible.  He has found a way to over-power a simple handyman's laser level tool to reach apparent infinity.  While initially intending to mount shelves several miles apart, young Styropyro quickly realized the greater purpose of his new tool.  This tool would allow him to prove that the Earth really is flat... sort of.

Flat Earth Styropyro is no stranger to the art of improvised lasers.  One could easily mistake his lab for that of a mad scientist.  Deadly products of past experiments adorn the walls, tables, and probably ceiling of this mega-lair.  Laser shotguns, laser bazookas, killer holiday decorations, and even giant moths abound.  Beneath all the optical absurdity lie the scrawled notes of a driven homebrew master.  Many of these notes are functional keys to the photonic mysteries of our little universe.  These keys allow Styropyro to unlock the full potential of everyday gizmos and push them well beyond their intention.

One day, in early February 2018, Styropyro had the idea that it would be great for two people to share precisely level shelves between distant locations.  The shelvers would put these shelves up in their respective locations, miles apart, and then place some interesting trinkets on them.  This would allow the people to remain apart while sensing a personal connection over great distance.  Styropyro pitched the idea to a few colleagues, but none of them seemed to grasp the purpose.  Not one to dwell in dismay, he immediately set out to forge a tool that would allow the curious to shelf-share with ease.

At his local hardware store, Styropyro inquired about best shelving practices.  It was here that he learned how laser levels provide the ideal method for leveling.  This was perfect as lasers were really his thing.  How it took so long for a laser scholar to learn about laser levels is odd, but the idea excited him nonetheless.  This tool allowed him to mount the first shelf-share in his lab at nearly 10 feet apart.  It was incredible as he was able to put things on one shelf and have them rest at exactly the same level as things on the other.  All that was left was to increase the distance between shelves to that of several miles.

Through his early power-ramping tests, Styropyro created a large pool of molten plastic that has yet to cool.  He's still searching for a waste management partner willing to legally (or not?) dispose of these failed experiments.  Before long though, Styropyro had replaced each part in the laser level with stronger custom optics.  The result was a laser level that looked more like a satellite than a shelving tool with nearly the power of a small star.  The power consumed by this monstrosity was enough to power half the planet with enough left over to power the other half.  The time had come to mount shelves.

Wednesday morning, February 21, 2018, had arrived and Styropyro was prepared to mount his first pair of distant shelves.  The persons involved were named Jill and Jack, but we'll simplify them to Jack and Jill for the purpose of this story.  An incredible blast of photons left Jack's house in Rochester, New York, at precisely 08:34GMT and instantly traveled more than 8,000 miles to Jill's lab in Antarctica.  Everything went perfectly as Jack and Jill, still questioning why, were able to mount shelves precisely level with each other.  It was a great success and got Styropyro all kinds of riled up until a stiff thought shot between his ears.  He hadn't taken into consideration the natural curvature of the Earth.  This whole shelf thing shouldn't have been possible because a laser shot from Jack's house would already have deviated up, toward space, before ever reaching Jill's lab.  It's so amazing that it worked, but how could it have?

Minutes had gone by and young Drake "Styropyro" Anthony had finally realized what happened.  Since the plan was a success that meant that there was no curvature.  Styropyro, on February 21, 2018, had proven that the Earth was indeed flat!  He celebrated by high-fiving the heck out of Jack who still had no idea what was going on, but gleefully obliged.  This head-swimmy world-changing discovery high lasted a full 30 minutes before the local authorities showed up and news began to trickle through nearby devices.  The reason for the success wasn't because the Earth lacked curvature; it was because the insane power of his laser shot through that curvature and shaved the surface flat.  Styropyro had discovered that the Earth was flat by accidentally making it flat!  Styropyro is currently working on a white paper and is set to release the full details of his incredible find on April 1, 2018.

Watch some of Styropyro's videos on YouTube:
Apr 2018
April Fools Day

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